Things I didn't want to admit..

..but they're things I'm saying anyway.
This isn't the sort of journal entry I expected to be making - I'd hoped to draw it out as a comic, but it's so sensitive a subject that I lose heart when I get my tablet/pencil in-hand. Right now, the written word still dominates my creative process. It's always been how I express myself most clearly (which is somewhat why I think those I meet online get a better/quicker idea of who I am than those who meet me in-person first).
And I can't make it funny or cute.

I had the realization that despite trying to be a strong person in the face of an emotionally devastating period over the last six months or so,  I am not such a person. Not being honest with myself I'm not. Bear in mind this level and type of stress has only happened twice in my adult life, and only when I'm left with too many unknowns to wonder about. I never forget ... which drives me to the point of wishing I could surgically remove the parts of my brain that hold the memories with a dull spoon. _{(Dramatic, yes, but it tends to be pretty bad, so not an *entirely* unfair comparison.)}

Why I say that is that I noticed a trend.. in trying to be what I feel is the 'good' person to be, which is to forgive, to move on, to not be angry because life is short and what's the point when anger is just exhausting?  The logic seems sound enough and I've made efforts.  Yet every time I've attempted to stick to this resolve I - eventually - end up emotionally overwhelmed. There's sadness and despair for losing somebody important to me; there's a bit of relief at trying to take care of myself and feeling like it's the right thing;  joy at saying something that felt necessary to take weight off my soul; there's confusion en-masse because I don't know all the 'why's and question myself at every angle; and then good ol' anger, at the situation, but.. more at myself than anything.
All of these either cartwheel from one into another or hit me at the same time, and slowly build up to an unbearable level. It's too much all-at-once and one way or another, I shut down.

When it's not been all of them.. I realized that the only one that can 'win' this struggle - if I choose to let it - is the anger portion. This isn't a permanent thing, but when I succumb to being resentful and bitter, I have the most hope that I can move on. It's not much, but it's better.  Unlike the rest of the feelings that go hand-in-hand with each other and swarm together, this one can exist on its own. It's simpler, easier on my brain to hold onto instead of juggling six other feelings.  It's bittersweet because whilst I have the continued sense of hurt, it gets dimmer as time wears on compared to the other emotions.
This is not a good thing and I know it. The frustrations, resentments, and bitter feelings are not the ones I should be dwelling on.  Yet it's how I seem to be coping better. It produces mixed feelings as well since it's not how I like to be at any time - yet it's less stressful than the chaotic assortment I get battered with trying to do what I feel to be right, what I'd rather be.

As it stands though, this is going to continue, and it could in-future, just possibly, ..somehow hurt two people who have been important in my life.

One I don't expect to ever read this, as it seems apparent I was never a promise that was meant to be kept. But it would apply to this person if they decided to care again.

The other..  I just don't know anymore.. I wish I did, as a day doesn't usually pass without wondering.

I guess this journal is for those two people, realizing where my feelings are probably headed if things stay this way. Otherwise the emotional overload risks shutting down to the point of depression.. which I've had enough experience with to avoid, since digging out of that hole can be very difficult.
 I'm sorry to both of you that I can't be strong, can't let go of the hurts that still fester away and seed bitterness. I'm sorry I can't be the stronger person I've come out as (after so long) and meet you as her instead of this weakling who essentially does battle with her own mentality. I want to be better than this. Stronger in character than.. this.

I am anything but perfect, and it's all I can do to find a way to move on, and this might be it. If it hurts you in-future, should things somehow have the potential to be better - I'm sorry. I can't live up to what I tried to be.  I shouldn't be this way.

 I'm so sorry for these faults of mine.