Absolute-Sero

EDIT: Aaaaand FUNDED!  We did it, we reached the first stretch goal! 8D
WOOP WOOP!
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In the chance there are artists following me who would like some super group stock images, last chance to get into the Kickstarter by some well-known (and my personal favs) among stock artists here on devART!

www.kickstarter.com/projects/2…

Creators involved - and maybe some of you already follow them:
AdorkaStock
jademacalla
PirateLotus-Stock
Null-Entity 

They all do super stock work on their own.. so... together?  It'll be awesome.

_{I won't lie, I REALLY want to see that underwater shoot, as slim as the odds are of reaching that stretch goal..}  

Take a look and please signal boost if you can't back it!

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Mood:    
 
Watching: Inside Out

Mood:
Watching: Lord of the Rings (Extended): Fellowship OTR
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Lots has happened since my last journal! Obviously my scanner has been replaced.. but more importantly, I have a new tablet. I love it.  (Anyone looking for a less expensive alternative to a Wacom should check out UGEE - aside from not being able to customize pen buttons as well, I love it. ) 

I'm back to working on art, and it occurred to me:   I COULD stream, if there was any interest in watching it?

And if you're not interested in art alone, and if I don't get myself banned for doing so, I was hoping to stream a movie alongside, since I often watch movies whilst doing artwork. For the reason of not being banned for copyright shiz, I probably wouldn't save the streams either.
I wouldn't be able to pick solid dates - being a casual employee, my shifts and start times are all over the place. So it may be morning, may be night, may be the dead of night, all of those any day a week. I guess that'd offer chances for those who might not normally catch me to see a stream? Maybe??

I haven't streamed since Livestream Procaster so I'd need to figure out what's best, but I've also got dual monitor set-up now. If anyone has suggestions, please PLEASE throw them at me - it's got to be able to dual-stream two monitors, but other than that, I'm going in blind.  I will most likely stream Dark's Watch pages, starting with the third page that I'm working on now, but that could change if I have other stuff to do.

Anyway. Not much else to add. Hopefully there'll be another DW page sometime this month!

Mood: 
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So-ooo. A quick note.. my scanner is busted. Or it sure seems that way.
Figures, I move my stuff two provinces and after the trouble of taking this beastly printer/scanner combo with me - especially since part of my moving fees were charged by WEIGHT - ... it no longer works.  It's kind-of a shame, I actually have a lot of Inktobers to share.  If you peruse my Twitter feed, I missed a day or three in October, but more than half of them I took snapshots of and can be found (in gloriously poor lighting) there.

Kind-of an update on things. I really need to get back to creative stuff.. l've been adjusting well to work, but I come home exhausted. Also in the middle of assembling furniture I really need.
Soon... because I've been missing my brain-babies.

ALSO.
I have been volunteering at a parrot sanctuary. Now even when I'm exhausted from work, if I go there.. I find I'm so happy to be around the birds. My crazy bird-lady side is so at-peace while there.  I sorta want to post pictures but don't know if they'd clog up my scraps too much or if anybody cares.

Mood:  Aherpderpherp. 

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As I mentioned before, I will open a commission slot for those who may be interested!  I expect no interest, not in these troubled times, but I figure 'why not'? I am really trying to improve my discipline on art, and a little income would be nice since I'm between-jobs.
So the deal is this:

   I will take one commission at a time.
In the unlikely event there's more than one request _{(ahahahaha oh god why would there be)} I will make a wait list.  This isn't because I expect to take forever but to ensure the least stress on myself and clients.

   Prices are subjective and in CAD.
I will provide estimates on styles.   See conversion rates so you know what you're paying if it is not in Canadian dollars.  (Examples will come shortly!)

  Extra characters may mean increased prices.
This will be subjective as well and factored into the picture as a whole (such as whether it's full-body, colour, etc etc).

I reserve the right to turn down a commission if it contains material I'm not comfortable drawing.
 I'm not established in what I won't draw, as I'm willing to listen to ideas. If I am not comfortable or for any reason don't want to take the commission, I will let you know.  Anything that I take which does not suit deviantART standards will not be posted here, obviously.

  Commissions are not for commercial use without my written consent.
Personal use is fine, and credit would be highly-appreciated but unnecessary as long as any signature and subtle watermark is not tampered with.

A draft will be provided, but payment must be received in full before the image will be sent to the client.

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Examples:

_{***  as stated above, image prices are ESTIMATES only; detail and size (full-body, waist-up, bust) will factor in. ***}




Black-and-white lineart -  $30 -- $50+




Coloured lineart (no background) -  $50 -- $100+




Painting-style (with background)  - $175+ and upwards




Comic pages  -  min $100+;
_{highly-dependent on size, number of panels and details}

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I may update this later if prices and/or rules change at all. But cheers for now!

Mood:  mostly trying not to be sad/avoiding thinking sad thoughts.
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I guess it's been a while since I did a really personal journal - I've been somewhat just using submissions and mentioning pieces of things.
Plus, Twitter. Tweet tweet, y'all.  Hope you aren't sneezing from the layer of dust on this feature.

If personal stuff ain't your thing, move right along. I'm considering opening commissions for a limited time, so ho-ooopefully this gets bumped down soon enough after for those who aren't interested.

In the last year I have felt incredibly stretched. Mostly emotionally. It's been in two parts.

One part has been something I think I mentioned previously but never elaborated on?
*insert brief pause while I look back at the journal from.. _ugh..  March NO WAIT NOPE February*
Yeah. February.
 That was about when I realized I think I want to change careers. Don't get me wrong; this shouldn't surprise my friends but I do like my job. For any newer followers: I'm a medical lab technologist. In short summary, we analyze body fluids and do chemical tests that other doctors, nurses, and medical staff would use to treat your health.
What really struck me was this intense yearning to improve my artwork, to do something and make a living off of it. I don't just want to get better, I actually realized I have more interest in art as a career than I did several years ago. I flagrantly failed in opening requests, but while the urge to create has surged multiple times, it's never been completely sunk. This has hit me because for a while it never bothered me to not be creating. I want to do it now.
Don't get me wrong, I have some serious attention issues and I lack discipline I KNOW I'm capable of. (I wouldn't have done 200+ pages of scripting in 11 months WITH full-time tech school if I didn't have it.) But the urge to do something with myself art-wise has never been so insistent.   

Basically this combined with a 'straw-that-broke-the-camel's-back' moment, I knew I had to leave this area and go somewhere I could improve. I don't mind the prairies, with one exception. _{see the comic 'phobia'}  So I've made plans to move and work nearer to my hometown, in an area I know will have every kind of option for artistic endeavors vs my present place.
The "stretch" of this comes with leaving my somewhat stable residence and workplace. Without going into nitty gritty about it, I chose to leave even knowing that my workplace will be shorter-staffed than it already was without me. I chose to take care of myself, because I knew I'd be miserable otherwise. But guilt pulled at me - and still tugs at me - a lot. Even knowing that my job is seriously lacking in new graduates everywhere, not just here, I felt badly.  
The guilt combined with the forthcoming change has made me woozy at times. It's come with a lot of breath-holding, apprehension, and anxiety-ridden weeks. I refuse to backpedal; I know that this is just a character trait of mine, and a big change like this to my life is to be expected. I had similar sentiments before I moved two provinces from my hometown to live and work, and even earlier when I started tech school.

Still.. it pulls me two ways.

Then there's the other part of it all.
I've hesitated in being frank and making an actual journal about this. I've got so many mixed feelings. Trying to sift through and explain it all always just makes me want to sigh and lie down in defeat, feeling like I could never articulate it properly.  It involves someone who's been a friend for a long time..
This is less about that friend and more about my feelings and who I feel I am.

For far too long, I was overly dependent. I know that, I even hate it. I can't pretend it never existed since it is literally my past, and barring serious trauma or memory loss, I can't run from it. I'll always remember the ugliness. I was called out on my behavior, and this improved in my late teens.   But I only realized just how much of my life was affected by this trait recently.
And it's not just that. For the longest time, there was a serious imbalance in how much blame I put on myself when things would go wrong there.  It's not that I was totally stupid.. but sometimes when I should have been thinking 'I didn't do anything wrong - or didn't mean to' I was instead wondering 'what can I do to fix this'. I always wanted to help, and somehow..
Somehow I felt like it was worth it, preserving things, mending them. I only realized it was at my own expense later. I sigh realizing how long it took. I hurt at least one person because I was so preoccupied, and I suspect there are others who never called me out as that person (very rightly!) did.  I wish I'd smartened up then, for that friend of mine.. I  never stop lamenting how much better a person I could have been to her.

I felt like I needed to keep fixing, to keep mending the holes, because I had to be around. I never wanted to lose touch with someone who made a difference in me being around and who I am today.
I don't think this is inherently wrong, and I still am very attached to people when I truly let them into my bubble. I think it comes with having difficulty connecting to people;  just like the hardship of learning to trust and care, letting go or even backing down is incredibly hard.  Ignorance just is not bliss for me. Not knowing eats away at me.
Even the idea of not knowing pushed me on for a long time.

I can't really be sure, as my thought patterns were often muddy when I was upset and emotional. But I am guessing that when the pressure of taking on - what I felt like was - all the work by myself reached too high, it started leaking out. Only it never came out pointing to the source. Somehow I found other reasons that I was bothered. Once again, I should have known better, as it became cyclic.

Things improved somewhat as I got older and especially as I got into tech school after having my heart broken by someone I loved. It was a light in the end of the tunnel, and as much as tech school was like being dragged through a field full of barbed wire and broken glass, I learned to push myself. I found out I'd rather hit the ground running and fail than not try - but I succeeded.  I started thinking more for myself, branching out.
This was a gradual process. Not just school, but what followed after it. Moving myself away from the support of long-time friends and relatives certainly forced me to stay on my feet.  First time in my very own apartment vs. sharing one with roommates or living in student housing on-campus.  
That's a bit of a ramble, but I feel like the pieces still come back to the point I am trying to make. I started becoming more independent, and especially through my job, I started having more self-confidence. I began thinking..  I am worth something. I'm not completely awful and I mean to be sincere. I am worth something.

It's still been a process. I have suffered intermittent depression, suicidal idealization, and problems with alcohol use _{I'm honestly VERY lucky it didn't become a full-addiction}.  Over that time, the friendship I mentioned at the beginning had hurdles that had nothing to do with me. Things were already rocky.
But after who-knows-how-long, I had the realization that no matter how much I am willing to give to try and help, to keep someone in my life.. I had to draw a line. For my emotional, mental, and physical health, I had to reel myself back, even though it caused anguish to do so.
It's not much of an exaggeration, if any, to say I grieved. I still do.  It's weird, to me, at the same time. I know I'm grieving something and someone who never really went anywhere.  And there's a strange feeling to be mourning something you stepped back from voluntarily.

The stretch comes back to me being pulled between wanting to keep someone I still care for in my life.. and needing to be able to take care of myself by keeping distance. It's on-going, and it hurts like hell.  The only thing I really do to help it is distract myself and hope that time continues to soften the aches.

Even though I've come closer with this rambling than I have before, I don't know if I touched everything. Maybe I never will without the dialogue happening with people it needs to happen with.    But it's been a little lifting to just muse here. It's very hard to feel that it would incite any response from the friend it all occurred with. (Yes, you are and will remain a friend. That hasn't changed.)

At one time I found a quote that I wish I could find again to reference.  I don't have that quote any more, but the point somewhat resonated with me enough to try and make my own rambling quote.
Those of us reading this are all living on this earth, and we are all eventually going to die. Without being corny about it, life is finite. You can make excuses, but ultimately if you keep putting off seeing somebody, you may find that one or both of you has run out of weeks. Things happen.  Putting things off 'til a better time' may not happen. And the reality is - I feel - you may have to actually press pause and make a little time now and then.  Even if it's only a few minutes, and regardless of whether conversation (be it in-person, by phone, text, email, chat, etc) it says 'you have a place in my life and are worth a moment of it'.

In-turn, the inability to ever feel like there's space.. says a lot. I've yet to find a good way to describe it. But it's something I've felt is a very strong instance of where actions are much stronger than words.  While I trust those I call friends a great deal, this got to be so loud and clear that it overpowered what I was being told.  To hear the message 'you aren't worth that much to me' through actions became noxious.
None of this is meant to point at the friend indicated. This journal is just for me, and perhaps if ever read by that person so they understand what I cannot say to their face.  And to say this:  I have chosen to step aside.  I feel that increasingly until the relative present, I gave and kept on giving, and this has created a hurtful imbalance that needs to equalize. (How it equalizes I guess only time will tell, as there's too much gray in that area to tell.) I know there is your side too; goodness knows I wish I knew it better. I care, but I lost my strength to be the strong one and speak out, because I can't be the one taking that first step this time.
I'm exhausted, sad, frustrated, and slowly being pulled apart by my mixed desire to keep trying and my desire to protect myself.

...
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That was a long journal for 'this is what's going on in my life'. But, well. Now you know I guess?  I guess I feel a bit better for writing things out. I haven't done a huge amount of what I feel is 'good' writing in a while.. I've been focused on comics mostly.

Things aren't over. I only have 2.5 days left of work at my present job, I move at the end of next month - and I begin my new job only days after my move. Most of the arrangements have been made with a couple exceptions.  For now I'm staying in my current job, to see if current frustrations that are specific to my workplace improve and if I am more driven to stay a tech. But the possibility is in the mix that things will continue to change, that I may indeed go into the arts as a full-time student. (Leaning towards illustration right now..)

 It's exciting and it's terrifying, another tug in different directions.  I'm just trying to keep my head above water with it all.